Jeremy's Patpong story

According to Jeremy's version, I encouraged him to go to Patpong. According to my unwritten account, Jeremy did. I should also note that he went back to the Patpong two weeks later after we did. Anyway, he asked me to post his here because he believes my retelling of my Thailand experience is a bit dry, formal, and plain DULL. You decide.

Before I continue, I am reiterating that this is Jeremy's account. If you'd like to know my dry, formal version, email me. Also, remember Patpong, as I define it, means Redlight district, therefore if you think all things found in the Redlight districts distasteful, then consider yourself warned...

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Okay, well I promise this’ll be spicier than my pal Korea Peter’s account, which painted me out as a nice guy. (Good Old Pete!) Oh hell, “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw” just came on the radio….PERFECT! (No Mom, I didn’t!)

“Hey wanna go to the Patpong” Peter says.
“I’ve never been there and NO let’s NOT!!” I answered VERY defiantly.

Then we start drinking and y’all KNOW it only takes one beer to get me happy and two to make me ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN MENTALLY CHALLENGED! So I end up at the damn place anyways! The first time I’d been there, I was with boring English girls and Tall (English) James and that was okay with me. “You want Tuk Tuk?” a guy had said. We’d said no. “You want Ping Pong Show” he’d almost whispered. “ExCUSE me?” I’d said and scampered off. The Brits bought some USELESS touristy crap. I saw a family with a little girl there too. Man did THEY look WAY lost! They REALLY didn’t belong there! I think they found the McDonalds (Yes, even in the Patpong) and hid until they got their bearing then RAN OUTTA THERE!
Now we get the same bit with the Tuk Tuk guys on the night of question. Except this time my dumb ass said to the second part extremely bravely “LET’S GO PETE!” and I charged up the steps. The girls are all on their own poles do a LAME try at pole dancing FULLY CLOTHED! They couldn’t have looked more bored and didn’t even move much. The audience was bored. The place was loaded with people and it couldn’t be more DEAD! Two girls (one REALLY ugly) came up to me and Pete (Pete’s the soft touch in this story, I guess they supposed) and ask us to buy them drinks (double price of our drinks I bet) but we just ignore them until they get their hands off us. We pay something like 185 baht for beer (Usually 30 at 7-11 and 45 at a bar).

OUCH!

So we DIE there for about an hour. We’re both REALLY disappointed (getting pissed) at the Zombie pole dancers. Maybe this is what turns the ordinary Thai crank? I did my best and cracked a smile. Suddenly I get a spark from one of the girls and she smiles and comes over. Same stupid pole dance but they call me up and I dance with them. I think they called me down after 60 seconds or so because I think I got my groove on. (It was too lively?)

YOU CAN STOP READING RIGHT HERE MOM, SHAY, and others! Pick this up later when I tell you! I will NOT get any angry emails on this one, got it?

Girl comes on stage (stretch marks and a bit fat). The lights go out and she proceeds to do a bored (and unimpressive) dance with candles, dripping it all over her body and the Winnie the Pooh plastic mat. (Perfectly cheesy, no?). She then drips it ON HER TONGUE then puts all six candles out with her mouth. OUCH!

NOW TO THE PING PONG SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just picture ALL the shows being used by the SAME female part. YEP! Three ping-pong balls popped out one at a time into the water glass (She needed her knee to roll it in on the third one). Didn’t we see something more funny in the South Park Movie? That one was better. One girl can blow a whistle using an attachment to the whistle, one girl blows out all the candles of a cake (to the Happy Birthday song), one smokes two cigarettes and burns her butt accidentally the second time around leaving a scar I bet….(I wonder if smoking a total of probably a pack a night if she gets the nicotine rush?) AND FINALLY FOR THE SHOW STOPPER (And show LEAVER for me and Pete) she pops the corks off two bottles with a bottle opener. A real big pop with the first and only smile on her face (probably because it’s over, thank god). Thank you Pete, I’m taking a taxi home.

Now I can say (like all the other backpackers, tourists, and “lifers”) that I’ve seen the stupid thing and NO I will NOT see it again if one of you visits.

OKAY MOM! YOU CAN COME BACK IN THE ROOM NOW!

(Incidentally, there are LOTS of better things to do here! Everythings SUPER cheap! Boat rides, motorcycle rides, tuk tuks, elephants, temples, Buddha’s, cool little holes in the wall like the Saxophone bar, shopping, wacky food, beaches, foreigners, tattoos, piercings, hair weaves, delicious heat, green green GREEN neighboring countries, Phuket Island, lost palaces, smiling Thai’s, the famous Thai message (which I liked but I guess Peter didn’t), and MORE here! So come! How could you not now? I’d love to have a brave adventurer out here! Don’t put me one like when I was in Korea. GET OVER HERE! You owe it to yourself! (What a salesman!)

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